My Jesuit education at BC taught me the power of empathy, especially when it comes to the human condition and dignity. I took several courses about human rights for my Faith, Peace, and Justice minor, which focused on the inherent worth of every human being and the undeniable fact that, although we are all different, we are really all the same, and that most humans are after the same things--love, friendship, community, and belonging. I found all of these during my time at BC, and for that, I can never be more thankful, especially during this holiday season. A little over a year ago when I was facing a lot of sadness and confusion during my year in Germany, I wrote a blog post about not being "over" BC--and those sentiments are still true. I've found a wonderful community and group of friends in Nashville and I'm growing to love the city, but my heart still pines for Boston and the general feeling that the BC community gave me every day, a feeling that I never really noticed until I left.
After I graduated BC, I went right to Germany and many of you know how sad I was over there, so I never really got a chance to put my Jesuit education to the test; to really see if everything I had learned and been introduced to would stick with me outside of BC's beautiful campus. These last few months though, I have proven to myself that my Jesuit education has absolutely made me a better, stronger, and more empathetic person, truly concerned with the well-being of those close to me, and much less selfish than when I began undergrad, and for that I am thankful.
A large number of my friends know what I was dealing with the last few months, and how the situation of someone I knew was tearing me apart. I was upset every day, crying more than I ever have in my life (if you're close to me, you know that I rarely cry, except at certain movies and sentimental commercials), wondering about life, questioning my already shaky faith, wondering how on earth bad things could happen to good people, and I turned myself inside out so that I was really only thinking of this other person and how I could act to be supportive and loving and accepting--all things BC taught me how to do.
Since arriving home for the holidays though, I have discovered that I was part of a complete fabrication and was being completely lied to and deceived. I won't go into details, some of you already know what happened, but this isn't a story to be divulged on my public blog. Since these recent discoveries, I've gone through a number of different emotions, but none of them has been hate and not really anger either. My feelings about one person's situation merely switched to another person in the situation, but were never directed towards myself.
It's been a few days now since the truth was revealed, and I'm slowly getting over it, but the feeling I am most overwhelmed with is embarrassment and humiliation, which leads me to the title of this post--
on dignity. We discussed the concept of dignity to death in so many of my courses, and I understood it, but I understand the concept on such a deeper level after this experience. Those who have listened to me speak about what happened wonder how I'm not angry or pissed off and aren't understanding why I feel so humiliated, but it all goes back to the idea of human dignity. Someone made a complete fool of me and a mockery of my life and everything I value and hold dear, and to discover this so far down the road is honestly not just heart-breaking, but humiliating. It's bad enough to know that someone could lie to such an extent and fabricate such a story, but to realize that someone had such little respect for me that I could be pulled into all of this--opening up my heart and life, not knowing at all that it was a lie. Someone literally took away my dignity and sense of self-worth, and that is what is the hardest for me to get over right now. Also realizing that I will never get an apology. Others in the situation will, but the way it works out makes me the one that has to be stepped on if things are to be fixed on the other side of it all, but it is hard to reconcile that I'll never get full closure in any of this, and that's what makes me question all my views on the world and on human nature,
I'm treating this all as a learning experience--I now know that it's okay to stand up for myself, but I can also look back at all of this and be thankful that my BC education has made me the best version of myself. Even though I have not been the best version of myself for a couple months now, and have been jeopardizing some of my strongest relationships, I have learned that I am indeed capable of loving very selflessly, and that's an important thing to realize. Time heals all wounds, and this will soon be something that happened that I look back on without anger or resentment, and hopefully without embarrassment once the time comes. I will continue to wish the best for people, no matter how they have hurt me in my own life, because seeking to hurt people reflects a lack of love in someone's life. Ugly stuff happened to me but I don't seek to hurt anyone, and I think that reflects the immense love and support I feel from so many people in my life, and during this holiday season, for that, I can never be thankful enough.
