Yes, the famous Gershwin song is actually called an American in Paris, but for purposes of this blog, I'm changing it to Berlin. This past week, all the American Fulbrighters, both ETAs and researchers, gathered in Berlin from Sunday through Thursday for a truly enriching conference. For the first two days, the nearly 200 German Fulbrighters who will be headed to America in a few months joined us for the discussions, panels, and networking socials. It was really great to see so many ETAs I had met at Orientation back in September and hadn't seen for so long, and it was also great to meet new people, Americans and Germans, and have stimulating conversation with everyone on a number of various issues. The conference itself was great--Fulbright put us all up in the Park Inn--a swanky hotel in Alexanderplatz in Berlin. They provided elaborate buffet breakfasts and dinner and a number of wine and hors d'oevures evenings (all for the sake of networking!) as well as rented out a nightclub in Berlin for all of us to party at on the last night. That was a nice taste of America I've really missed!
A fellow ETA captured the aura and essence of conference perfectly in his own blog- after being scattered all around Germany for over six months now, there was something to be said about all of us coming back together again, really understanding each other and the whole reason that we're here. Yes, all of us are teaching assistants in various types of schools and work for the PAD (the German education ministry), but we're more than just teaching assistants, we're working to help bridge the transatlantic gap between Europe and America as cultural ambassadors in a way. Work can frequently be frustrating, because the teachers we work with at our schools don't know much about the Fulbright program except that it exists, and I know that I have gotten frustrated by this fact in my work because I want to be more than just a walking dictionary or real-life example of an American accent.
Whenever Germans find out I speak German and study German and have invested so much of my time into making a life for myself in this country, they always ask me Why?! The Fulbright program honestly answers this question-- there still exists a special relationship between American and Germany, and America and Europe in general, and the Fulbright program seeks to highlight those special points.
Throughout the conference, we touched upon a number of subjects, some of the most interesting being the differences in social media presentation and use between American and Germany and then the differences between American and European tertiary education. It was so enlightening to listen to the opinions of Germans and other Americans, all working in different fields, be it medicine, government, music, art, or language study. All of this intellectual and inspiring and enlightening discussion planted a bit of nervousness and anxiety within myself. For months, I've been so set on applying to grad programs in secondary education and excited about being a teacher in a couple years, after falling in love with it during my Fulbright experience, but after this conference, I'm starting to have second thoughts. I was talking to Mollie for a while about this--but I just honestly don't know how much of my freaking out the last few months was due to winter depression and just doing everything I could to get out of Germany and Europe once my grant was completed, and how much of it was due to me actually wanting to go back to America and start my life.
Since graduating college, I've been on an emotional roller coaster, and as of late, I've been thinking of myself as super old and needing to figure out my life...but after this conference, I'm now realizing that I'm only 22! (Okay...only 22 for three more weeks...but still. That's three more weeks to sing along to Taylor Swift's song.) Now, I'm feeling almost the opposite. By starting grad school in the fall, I'll finish my master's and be certified at 25...and then what? Boom, that's the rest of my life? To me, that's kind of scary. Spending so much time with Mollie this month has sparked these new ideas in my head, as well. If I go straight to grad school after this in America, I won't come back to Europe for an extended period of time. So part of me feels like I'm almost cheating myself by just running away back to America because it's more comfortable for me. Maybe I should try to be adventurous for another year and stay. I just don't know. And traveling to Munich and Paris and then to Berlin for this conference has just given me so many new ideas and thoughts and wonderings, and the fact that I'm now having second thoughts about something I was so certain about just one month ago really scares me.
Three years ago, I went on the Kairos retreat, and at the time, I was very unsure and questioning if I even had any faith in anything. I talked to the priest who was there for the weekend with us, and I explained my issues to him. He told me that in his opinion, the point of faith was to always be questioning your feelings and thoughts and the mysteries of the world, because you should never just be completely comfortable with the way things are or the way things are preached or carried out. (Disclaimer of sorts- of course, he was a Jesuit, and my decision to get confirmed last Spring was based on the Jesuit idea of faith that influenced our education at BC--the idea of faith and reason and just that--the idea of always reflecting on your spirituality and faith and beliefs and what exactly they mean to you and how they influence your actions and such.)
Anyways, this is kind of how I feel about my approaching future- I had decided on something that I felt quite sure about, and I still am sure that this is what I eventually want to do, but now I'm just questioning the timing of everything and whether or not I owe it to myself to do something else for a little bit longer before I settle into my life and career.
For those of you reading this that have kept in close contact with me over the last several months, I'm sure you're reading this and thinking that I'm crazy--of course I want to come back to America and I've been so unhappy in Germany-- but as I said, that's why I'm confused. Because I've been so happy this month with the brief week of Spring weather (although it snowed the entire week we were in Berlin) and traveling all over the place and then being engaged in stimulating conversation with brilliant peers of every background, so I just don't know how much of my depression and unhappiness was due to the abominable winter, which, just announced, was the worst on record in German history.
One more point to mention--I want to teach social studies because I want to teach kids and teenagers who are so self-centered and stuck in their own worlds how much the world matters and how important it is to be aware of everything going on around us every day....but how can I teach that well and thoroughly when I'm just running away from the world back to my home country where I feel more comfortable?
Yes, a little dramatic, but you all know me, and that's how I am. I'm dramatic and volatile and am absolutely terrible at making decisions. Unfortunately for me though, the clock is ticking...
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