More Than A Phone

A caveat before I begin- If you don't want to read a long and emotional post about me being sad, then stop reading right now.

If you saw my Facebook post yesterday, then you're aware that my phone got stolen on Saturday night when I was out in Cologne.  This weekend is Karneval- and Cologne is German equivalent of New Orleans from Thursday through Tuesday.  Rae and I went out in Münster on Thursday night for Weibefastnacht, and it was just an insane party the entire night.  Friday was a day of recovery (and I had to work) and then the plan was to head down to Cologne on Saturday and come back to Münster on Tuesday (Cologne is two hours away on the train, but it's in Nordrhein-Westfalen, so we can travel there for free with semester tickets, which is super clutch).  Some friends, Bruce and JJ, had splurged for a hotel room for the weekend and they invited Yishi and I to crash with them on Saturday night, since we figured we'd be out for most of the night anyways.

The night honestly started our great- we all got dressed up and there was loads and loads of glitter.  We ended up spending  most of the night at a bar/club, and lucked out by getting a booth right off of the dance floor.  I was texting a bunch while we were out, so I had my phone sitting on the table, along with all of our purses and jackets and drinks.  All of us were up and down, either to dance or to go to the bar, and sometime during those points while I was up, the phone was taken from the table.  Once I realized it was gone, I searched everywhere--under the table, in all the seats, and at every other table-- we tried calling it but it was already off (and therefore, tracking it via Find My Phone didn't work) but it was still at over 50% battery in the middle of the night, meaning someone took it and turned it off because it wouldn't have died that fast.  Unfortunately though, there's a sim-lock on it as well as a passcode lock that's gotta be entered to turn on the phone- so even if someone wanted to get it back to me (quite unlikely), they wouldn't be able to turn it off.  As we got ready to leave the club, I literally went up to every person still there and asked if they had found an iPhone. 

It's the hottest phone on the market right now, so I'm not surprised it was stolen.  I just feel like such shit because it was a Christmas present- my mom bought it unlocked and paid even more for insurance to send it over here and then I had to pay 90 Euro at the customs office to get it- and I had it for a grand total of three weeks.  It's not even a case of- oh, well I just need to be more careful next time, because I am always so careful with my phone.  Even with iPhone back home, I always checked like ten times before going anywhere or getting off a bus or leaving somewhere that I had it, and would almost have heart attacks when I thought I had misplaced it.

I think the situation is exacerbated because I have honestly never lost anything in my life.  Or had anything stolen in my life.  Sometimes I'll misplace a pair of pants and never see them again, or leave a book on a bus or something- but I guess I've been quite fortunate that I've never had anything stolen, and I'm always wicked responsible with my things so I make sure not to lose them. 

I know I'm sometimes naive, and people judge me for my really optimistic view of humanity and seeing the goodness in people, and I am quite aware that I really am too trusting of people, so it just sucks that this would happen.  Some people just suck.  If I had found a phone, I would try super hard to get it back to the person.  Even when we were standing in line to get into the first bar, there was a five euro cover and the guy in front of me turned around and told me his girlfriend was inside and had his wallet and asked if I could pay for him, so I did, and literally two minutes after we walked in, he ran right up to me and gave me five euros and a beer.  I also realize that I can't just blame someone for taking the phone- yes, I was a bit drunk and my situational awareness was not at its peak, but as I said, I am always so careful with that stupid phone, and I've been in much worse states and haven't lost it.

When we left the club I just started hysterically sobbing and couldn't stop- we got back to the hotel and I just sat in the bathtub for probably two hours sobbing- I feel so bad for Yishi, Bruce, and JJ having to listen to me (although Yishi did sit with me and helped calm me down).  We got up and somewhat pulled ourselves together the next day, checked out, and then went on search for some food, and then late afternoon we all headed back home.  As I said, I was supposed to stay til Tuesday because today (Monday) is the biggest day of celebrations in Cologne, with tons of parades and day drinking and costumes and craziness, and even all the Münster people headed down this morning, but I just couldn't justify celebrating when I feel like such emotional shit.

If you're still reading, I'm sure you're thinking something like, oh my goodness it's just a phone!  And all my friends have tried calming me down saying at least I didn't lose my wallet or suffer any physical harm or anything.  As my mom said, a phone is completely replaceable, but that's why I titled this post "more than a phone."

Even before I had the 5, I still had my 4 over here which I could use via wifi and still iMessage with everyone, and now that I don't have anything, I am just so emotional as I realize how much that tiny little contraption has helped me so easily keep in touch with everyone I love and miss back home, and as I was sitting on the train home yesterday evening, despite being surrounded by people, I had never felt more alone.  And these waves of emotions just continued to hit me like bricks to the gut- and I realized how I'm just wicked tired of Germany and am just kind of counting down the months until I can go home.

Germany really is a great country, but it's just so crowded and there's so many people and sometimes I honestly just miss the superficial niceness of America.  Münster is a great city and I really like my school and the teachers with whom I work and I've met some really great people, but I'm just so bored all the time.  I work barely ten hours a week, and even with French class and going to the gym nearly every day, I just can't find enough things to fill my time.  I feel like while I'm over here, I'm just living this life of mediocrity and have nothing to aim for or nothing to work for (hence why I signed up for a half marathon, so there was at least something to build up to) and then I applied to grad programs, and got in- so now that whole process is done. 

I still remember the first couple weeks back in September when I was settling in and becoming acclimated to my new life (SAP, as Mark calls it- "Sabrina Adjustment Period") and I remember one night just laying in my bed and nearly crying thinking how the hell I was going to last until the next summer over here when I missed everyone back home so much, and feeling as if I was literally trapped in Germany.

If you want to punch me in the face right now, I completely understand- but hey, that's why I issued that caveat in the first sentence.  I know that I'm basically living the life over here- the German and American governments are paying me to live in Germany and do next to no work- but that's just not the kind of person I am.  And maybe that's the American in me- I gain joy from surrounding myself with those whom I love and those who love me back and just joy from working hard.  And there's just a dearth of in my life in Germany. 

It comes in waves of course, but for the most part, I'm lonely so much of the time.  And that little iPhone, is a technological innovation that makes the loneliness so much easier.  Sometimes I feel pathetic when I think about how much I rely on my friends to feel happy, and being able to talk to them, and sometimes wish I could be more independent-- I know some people here who don't even have phones and rarely go on Facebook and can go long stretches of time without keeping up with people, but then I have to remind myself that everyone is different.  If I'm feeling like a weaker person because I'd rather maintain my relationships with people despite being 5,000 and more miles away from most of them, then I don't think that's so bad.  Part of my experience at BC taught me that I'd rather have love in my life than to go globe-trotting and have adventures and be super independent and just do my own thing, as so many 20-somethings are prone to do.  Yes, the phone is a material object, but it's an object that eases the process of maintaining all of my relationships, and because of that, it's a good worth it to me that when I go home next week, I'm going to get a new one.

My trip home in now less than a week honestly couldn't come soon enough- I really just need a respite- albeit a very short and busy one, but I'm just ready for a break from Germany.