The American stereotype is that a semester abroad is supposed to be this enriching, eye-opening, cultural and personal awakening of sorts. And when I spent my semester abroad in Heidelberg, it was exactly that. Life abroad was completely bipolar, but for the most part, pretty magical. Every other weekend I was jetting off to new places, experiencing new cultures, and meeting new people. I returned home with myriad stories, but of course, had to throw in some emo in there- and I felt a little lost for a few months. What was tough was that the majority of my closest friends from school and from home didn't go abroad, so I had to figure out how to fit back into their lives, and I clang tightly to my friends that had gone abroad as well, who were tackling the same issues that I was upon returning home.
After a few months back at school though, I was finally comfortable again, and was back in the swing of things. As I've written about before, my last year at BC and this past summer were absolutely amazing- probably the best period of my life thus far. I was completely comfortable with myself, I had the best friends in the world--friends with whom I was completely in love almost all the time. I was the healthiest I've ever been in my life, and felt more accomplished than I probably have in my whole life after I finished the Boston Marathon in April.
Since the end of March, I knew my year in Germany was quickly approaching. April and May were so consumed with birthdays, the marathon, concerts, finals, senior week, and commencement that I never thought twice about Fulbright- I was just so utterly relieved to know that I had a future and could finally enjoy my last two months. When the summer hit though, for anyone that was with me, you're all aware that I was in denial of going to Germany, and whenever I did take a moment to think about it, I just got really upset- so it really wasn't until the five days I spent at home in Virginia before my flight to Frankfurt that I was forced to face reality.
I labeled this post "Reflections" because I've now been back in Germany for almost three months now, and with all this excess time on my hands, I've had surfeits of periods to just sit and reflect (look at the Jesuit education pervading me right there!) on my life as a 22 year-old post-grad...living in Germany. I feel like I'm losing any credibility by quoting Tswift here, but she really hits the nail on the head in her song "22" when she says, "We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time- it's miserable and magical..."
Moving to Germany right after I graduated college is a lot like being 22...I'm happy, free, confused, and lonely all at the same time...and it's both miserable and magical. On Wednesday it was magical. I had to be in for the first lesson but then had a period off, so I walked through the market, which was still fairly empty because it was so early, and bought my fresh produce for the week, and then walked to a bakery right in town, passing the accordion player- so stereotypical Europe, right? What every teenage girl thinks her life in Europe would be like. But the past week overall, there's been an undertone of misery because yesterday was Thanksgiving and for perhaps the first time in my life, I am legitimately homesick. I always go on and on about how Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because my extended family doesn't have the best relationship (if any relationship at all) and then of course, it's just me and my mom, but especially with the Christmas season now officially started, it's really hitting me just how much I love this time of year.
I'll be in want of no Christmas cheer in Germany though- Christmas as we know it was basically invented here, and the trees and lights and decorations began to be put up last week already. I'm beyond excited for the Christmas markets and for spending the holiday itself with Rae and her family in England, but it's a people thing. I'm sad that I won't be able to share my absolute favorite time of year with the people who are closest and dearest to my heart.
...Wow. Cue #sappysabs again. Jeez, I'm getting soft in my old age.
It's just so funny to think back to when I was 15 and 16 and in high school, and how I was always so sure that I was going to live abroad and just travel for most of my life, and had absolutely no interest in a family or in staying in America--and at 22, I'm doing exactly that (teenager Sabrina would be so proud!) I'm living the life over here in Germany- but as Mollie so well explained in an email updating about her time in France so far, something's missing. I can't explain what it is, but there's just something missing.
When I got to BC, I thought that I'd have my life figured out by the time I was 25...that's now less than two and a half years away. And if we count my year in Germany as a slight pause on my life, then I really only have about two years when I get back to figure out my life. I guess what I'm super worried about, is having to spend a year of that re-adjusting to life back in America. After Heidelberg, I was in my "funk" for basically about as long as I was abroad--so this time around, does that mean I'll be in a funk for ten months now...trying to figure out how I fit back into life back home? Because I just really don't have that kind of time.
Also, as I mentioned in the beginning of this post, the stereotype is that you come back from your semester abroad as this new person, having "found yourself." That was somewhat true for me--I definitely came back different, but as I said, just simply more comfortable with who I was and who I wanted to be and such. And now--I almost feel like I'm having to do it all again! Just as I was happy with my life before I left, I was happy with myself, and since getting to Germany, I've only had ample time to look at myself and only see problems. So does this mean I have to rediscover myself and come back an even newer version of myself?!
Because that just seems unnecessary.
It seems to be the direction in which things are moving though...
My ramblings today seem kind of depressing, but 'tis really not the intent. These have just been my running thoughts over the past week, since I've been teaching so many Thanksgiving lessons and thinking about home a lot in the process. I've been noticing myself being reluctant in really investing any true effort into relationships and my life here, and I think that's because again, it's the something's-missing syndrome. I came to Germany with a lot of emotional crap on my plate, and I think I'm still trying to work through some of that, which in a way, has definitely hindered me from really taking full advantage of all the opportunities I have during my year here.
All part of being 22?
No comments:
Post a Comment