All of this time on Facebook though, has got me thinking... and I've realized that Facebook in a way glorifies our lives. I've been keeping in touch with a good number of friends back home, and they are all aware of the struggles I'm encountering with moving to Germany and having to leave behind a life that I was in love with and was in no way ready or happy to leave. But for anyone else besides these friends whom I've spoken of deeper feelings to were to look at my Facebook, they would think that I was having the time of my life-- like I was in freakin' Dirty Dancing or something. Haha... comic relief, anyone?
Now yes, yes, yes, I KNOWWWWW that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity- to go live abroad for a year while I have no familial or fiscal responsibilities, while I'm 22 going on 23, all of this while only working twelve hours a week. I know all of that. But that doesn't change the fact that my Facebook posts and pictures only show one side of the story. I'll admit, returning to Heidelberg was amazing, the Okotberfest celebration Katherine and I went to was a blast, riding a horse through Münsterland brought me types of happiness I haven't felt in years, jetting off to Ireland during school break to visit summer friends was super clutch, but that's all only half of it.
I'm obviously not going to post about the hardships on Facebook or take pictures when I'm sad, though. But this is what a blog if for, right? People can choose to read it or not. When I was abroad in Heidelberg, my hardships revolved more around learning to live in a new country- adjusting to the language barrier, figuring out how to grocery shop, figuring out how to use the public transportation system... those are all things I already know how to do this time around in Germany. And I'll admit, the fact that grocery shopping is no problem, and that taking the bus or the train somewhere doesn't require a second thought has made the adjustment infinitely easier, but there's still more.
I was skyping with my mother today and I finally said it out loud- I'm not over BC. It's like, when it takes you a long time to get over an ex or a broken friendship- this is how I feel about BC. If I go out, I'll be having a grand time, and all of a sudden I get super sad and just want to go back to a bar in Boston- where I know how everything works and I know what to wear and I know everything about my friends and how they act if they're drinking or if they're with certain people. Or even if I'm biking to school in the morning- I just want to be hiking up the million dollar stairs to Devlin or Lyons or Gasson, and saying hello to people in the quad, or people-watching on our bench. Or if I'm grabbing food at the grocery store, I'd rather be grabbing food at Lower or realizing that I have no food in my fridge in Gabelli and going for Moogy's or Boloco or Pino's. I'm not over BC.
And what makes it even more difficult is that I am pining for a life that doesn't exist for me anymore. Again, Facebook glorifies everything again in the sense that I still have myriad Facebook friends who are students at BC, so seeing their posts and pictures every minute doesn't help me to get over a life that has ended for me. When I was abroad junior year, a YOLO mentality was much easier because I knew that I had another year at BC left. I was returning to all of my friends, my school, my activities, my classes, my city, and all with new stories and adventures in my pocket. This time around though, that security doesn't exist. I have no idea what I'll be doing when I leave Germany, I have no idea where my friends will be-- considering that now they're all over the freakin' world! (See map for just a small sample size)
All of that is just really scary. And for some reason, it doesn't make being in Germany for me any easier. I'm not really any more sure of what I want to do with my life than I was six months ago. I did get around to a bit of motivation today though and created an online GRE account and am aiming to take the GREs up in Hamburg the first or second week of December, maybe apply to a few grad programs after that before the deadlines in January, and Katherine and I found a half marathon in Cologne in February that we're going to sign up for. It's just quite strange to go from four years at BC where everything revolved around deadlines for papers, dates for midterms and finals, afternoons for games, evenings for performances, nights for work, weekends for parties... to go from all of that to very little structure or purpose whatsoever.
I really am trying to be optimistic about all of this, and am hoping that these feelings are just the valley of the ups and downs of living abroad- changes of which I'm well aware after spending half a year in Germany in 2011. I guess I just wanted to express that while there have been some wonderful experiences thus far, now into my second month over here, it's not just all traveling and eating and drinking beer- it's a lot of emotional stuff too, which is of course harder to talk about.
As for getting over BC though, I guess all it takes is time...
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| For here all are one and our hearts are true, and the towers on the Heights reach to Heaven's own blue... |
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| Probably my favorite night at MA's. Ever. With some of my favorite people. Ever. |
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| No sleep and past the point of a healthy level of emotions on Commencement morning. |
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