Thursday, July 31, 2014

This too shall pass

I've been thinking a lot lately about time and about waiting.  I guess this all started when George left and was only magnified after I fractured my foot.  The "accident" happened almost three weeks ago and I remember when I found out that I'd have to walk around in a massive walking boot for anywhere from four to twelve weeks, I was devastated.  I called up my mom crying; I called up George sobbing ever harder; and they both basically told me that this would pass, that the time would fly.  Well sure enough, I've already been in the boot for over two weeks and the doctor told me on Tuesday that I probably will only have to wear it another two weeks, which was fantastic news. 

Not being able to run has been the hardest part of all of this.  It's already been over three weeks since I've run, and I think the longest I've gone without running in probably four years is maybe two weeks, and those hiatuses were always my choice--maybe it was because I was traveling, was sick, or some other circumstance.  This time around, it's not my choice.  And it's taken this break to realize why I've always considered myself less stressed than my peers.  Most people say they run to relieve stress and blow off steam, but I began running to prove to myself that I could do it (to ultimately work up to a marathon, of which I've now run two!) and I guess, simultaneously and unnoticed by myself, this act always kept my stress levels down and kept my wandering mind at ease because when I'm running, I don't think about anything else.  I've lacked those breaks from my usual and zealous overthinking these last three weeks, and I, as well as those with whom I interact on a daily or weekly basis, have definitely noticed. 

Lately I've just been sad and lethargic and apathetic.  I'm still working out every day and am working nonstop, but it's just so weird that by taking away running, my whole mood and outlook about everything changes.  I guess I've never really appreciated running, and especially during training, it's just one more thing that has to be checked off on my diurnal list of things to do, but after this forced hiatus, I will definitely be more appreciative of the calming powers the exercise has on me, because the elliptical and lifting are just not cutting it. 

So, as the saying goes, this too shall pass.  Sometimes things happen and you get put in situations where the only direction is forward.  This is terrible analogy, but I always think of the two times I've been bungee jumping, but most specifically when I went in Switzerland--134 meters high--and I was completely terrified and didn't think I could do it.  But standing up in this little gondola suspended over an Alpine lake, I realized that I didn't have a choice of which direction I could go.  I had to jump and whatever happened, happened.

Okay actually, here's a better analogy.  When I moved to Germany in September 2012, I absolutely did not want to go.  I had just completed one of the happiest summers of my life spent in Boston with my best friends, after completing an absolutely amazing four years at Boston College.  I didn't want to move to Germany at all.  I remember sitting on the plane and once it took off, saying to myself, well I guess I can't turn back now.  I remember moving into my room in Münster and crawling up into a ball that first night and trying to visualize and comprehend ten months and I couldn't do it.  And I told myself that I would just make a life in Germany and have a wonderful time, and the ten months would go by, because it was my life.  Those ten months were a series of really high highs but really low lows as well, but that's life.  And that's where I stand now.  I'm sure a lot of you who are close to me can guess to what I'm actually referring during this tangent.  It's been one and a half months and under five months to go.  I see the time as moving neither fast nor slow--just kind of statically existing, as I get up every morning and go through my routine. 

I'd like to say that I've faced a lot of challenges and changes and adaptations in my life thus far, but this is the first challenge I've faced that isn't all about me, and that's actually the hardest part.  There is someone else who is facing a bigger challenge than I am, and I hope that these circumstances have helped me to grow and become more mature as I become less selfish and realize that I'm getting to a point in my life where it's not just about me anymore, and that I have to think about other people.  In our society today, I personally think being independent is a more lauded trait of people, but I would perhaps argue against that after all of this.  I've been independent my whole life (in the sense of always going after what I want and focusing on being the best I can be so that I can succeed in everything I do), but when it's just you, it's easier.  I think adding another person to challenges and changing your outlook so that it's not just focused on you anymore is what's truly challenging.

This is new for me.  It's really hard, but as my title says, this too shall pass.

(And I'm sure I'll automatically be in better spirits once I can start running again!)